It makes me laugh when people listens to others and actually asked me "You used ot be such a nice girl." What they don't realize is, they have been listening to people bad mouthing me on things that are out of my control and they just accept that instead of listening to my reasons.

Things like this just makes me give up on people. Honestly, I give up on most people entirely.

These sort of people judge on others on what they heard and what they demand of in a "Must Have, Must Provide" terms and won't accept otherwise. Easy for people who can snap their fingers and get whatever they want. Easy for people who have never gone through hardships. Easy for people who hardly have any problems.

Why should I bide to whatever they want hands and knees like their slave. Oh please... :rolleyes:

Walk a mile in my shoe and I wonder if you survive.

---

My Beloved at the moment is trying to past time (i guess to keep his mind off his family problems) by trying to build websites. I'm trying to help him. He knows I am bad in teaching but I try what I could. He's learning. Gonna get him that copy of Photoshop CS that I have.

So the story is he went to Las Vegas anyway after I've prohibited him to. What can I do? he's stressed out and if I prevent him any more he might do some unwanted things. I was pissed at first after finding out, so I've took the "none-contact" time to cool off.

I have the habit to think of him first so I don't push him on doing anything he doesn't like unles he wants to. Like joing some forums I'm in. He's not interested but he did said in joining one day, I won't cash that in until we have a good day. but then in that good day, we spent on talking to each other instead. Yeahhhh... why spend the limited time he has with me daily to talk to them people instead of me. =/ God knows he's already busy enough to spend a small time for me atm, why should he spend time he have for me on other people?! besides both of us are already fucking stress enough!

Anyway, I heard he got hurt in Las Vegas, cutting his visit there short. He won't tell me what it is, but I know he is taking prescribe meds for it. =/

that's him, he don't want me to get worry and I don't want him to get worried on me either. sometimes the stress just gets to much that it hurts literally. =/ I ended up blurting out all my problems at him and i would turn his day bad cause he knows he can't be there with me =/ likewise for me. We just don't want to burden either of us with things.

Can't wait till we're married now, cause only god knows the shit we've been gone through.

---

I just realized today, it;s been long since I've written any creative works after somebody asked me about my writings.

At first, I've stopped cause people are using them against me. Then I started a bit again, then got paid for it, under my name and my pen name. That was fun. Then, I've stopped cause I got depressed. I used to get depressed and got to write alot of things, but right then, I have no heart to write anything. I was that depressed. anything I love to do I hated. Then things gets better and I tried again. Unfortunately my heart didn't get through that much. It was hard then. To get back to the groove and do whatever I love to do. And I used to be good at it. the things came up and i fall out of it again.

I guess I was stupid. I let people's opinion of me and people's doings to me gets to me enough that I stopped doing what I love best in life other than being with my Beloved.

Write now, I'm trying to get back to writing and sketching. but it's pretty hard since I'm working now. I think I should try again and stick to it this time.

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stupid esnail >.> I kept on lagging out. I hope I can post this.

Karma... It works the same way as the wheel of life, but it comes with consequences of things one have done to another in cause of hurt or any or of way.

All the years, karma has been a good friend of mine. I've been raise to treat others good, but for some reason most people takes that as an advantage to step all over me as a doormat.

I'm too nice to people it's 95% often too sickening for me.

Why?

I'm always there to listen to their way too often problems and yet when I want friends to lend a ear to hear my laments just once. Just once, after listening to them yapping my ears off over the ears they say I "complain" alot?

fuck!

compare to them, their problems are just miniscule than what I have. Cause seriously, if their biggest problems are manicures and what to wear this and that. ya sure some can be serious but heck I don't count that much.

but what makes me starting to count is when they call things that are out of my hands, silly, stupid, even goes to the lengths of calling me a liar, and in process of making me a fool. Until they walk in my shoes for a mile or so, they have NO RIGHT to judge.

I can defend myself when things that cause me problems are out of my hands, but Karma always seems to lend me a hand. Some ended up having problems like mine in a threefold manner. It makes me laugh sometimes when they tell him how for some reason they can't get want they want in life, a good relationship, a child of their own, a good life for example. with how they treat other people, I can't help saying they deserve it all. >.>

I went to work yesterday feeling all worked up like something was up and when I got the message from my beloved saying his father just passed away. :tear:

It shocked me badly. he had a cardiac arrest last december and nobody told us nor his sisters nor his family about it. Just my beloved's father's mother knew about it.

I just found out today, she took all of his remaining posessions and collected all of his life insurance, without sparing any of any of his living children. WTF?! Out of respect but that is just so wrong. Especially when they screamed at my beloved saying it's their fault for not visiting him in the hospital but THEY NEVER TOLD ANYTHING TO HIM AND HIS SIBLINGS!

My beloved called his grandmother a few days after his father was admitted into the hospital.

They didn't tell him anything.

He called again on New Year.

They didn't tell him anything!

then two weeks after they buried him, they they called my beloved telling him his father is dead.

WTF!

None of his sisters knew either!

they purposely didn't tell them ANYTHING!

My beloved is very much irrate and depressed atm and I dunno what to tell him to calm him down.

I don't blame him. He's pissy atm. I got that taste when they told me dennis died a week later many years back. But this is more personal. it's his father =/ His birth father. He may not be close to him but he was still his son.

=/

I dunno what to do I'm in pain watching him in pain. He really needs a break.

oh god.. I am so tired. I've been travellign from Seria to BSB every single day for the past few days and will be for a while. I am now officially a working woman!

I'm working at Dewan Pustaka & Bahasa in BSB. That's the main country's library if you have no idea what it means. I'm undergoing my training at the moment and that was alright. The travel between districts is still felt my my dear body.

Early morning, early travelling.

I was screaming for joy when Dan was online. He shared my joy XD Love him so much! He started playing a new game: Gevalum. and he's ranked 1. That game god. God I miss him! I love him so much!

Tired ehh... Now I can't watch live wrestling, and I can't watch much of my tv shows now. Such a sacrifice I need to bring my ipod for the radio. One downside working with people much older than you is, they choice of radio stations I have yet to read a book there. .O: oh well... work is work.

AT last a job. I wish i get transfer to KB soon though O.o

waiting for my X-ray, blood, urine, etc report from the hopistal so I can get posted already. Waiting is just an agony. =/